Gary Stu (What NOT to Do!)

[Queen Amedessa of Conté]

Character

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Name: Commodore Archmage Lord Walter of Pirate's Swoop
Gender: Male
Age: 16
City: City of the Gods
Status: Commodore, Archmage, Lord, Godchild

Personality
Walter is friendly, smart and antisocial. Although he pretends to be social at court and balls, he absolutely detests all people because he thinks they are wicked and inferior. He likes women because they are stupid, but once fell in love with a girl that was very intelligent and refused him. This girl broke his heart, so now Walter avoids women as often as possible.

Walter hates people who cannot understand his higher level of thinking and often gets angry with people who are too stupid. He often gets angry and uses swordfighting, pirating or abuses himself to vent out his anger. Most people think Walter is very calm because he is very fond of tranquil settings and never makes any sign of emotion.

-Personality Flaw: There is nothing flawed in Walter. He is a normal human being.

Appearance
Walter is extremely handsome. His skin is deeply tanned, contrasting his silver with red, black and gold streaks in it. His eyes are also a pale, pale orange, very rare. Because he practices swordplay and jousts in his free time, he is very bulkily muscled. His lithe appearance makes him very fit for the dancefloor, but because he detests balls he never goes to them and nobody knows how amazing of a dancer he is.

Walter has been in many battles during his lifetime and has many scars. He has a scar shaped like a halfmoon on his calf, one shaped like a brilliant exploding supernova on his cheek, and one like a lightning bolt running from his elbow down his forearm to his wrist. These scars make Walter even more handsome than before because they are so unique.

-Appearance Flaw: Walter is handsome, so he can't have a personality flaw.

History
Walter was born the son of Lady Janet of Pirate's Swoop. Throughout his childhood, Walter did not know who his father was because Lord Arthur of Pirate's Swoop died in his early childhood. He seemed to be naturally gifted and capable of causing all sorts of chaos and destruction. On more than one occasion, Walter would get mad as a toddler and send the brick fortress to the ground because of all his magical powers.

When he was thirteen and prepared to leave for the City of the Gods and learn magecraft, his mother told him that his father was Mithros and gave him a special talisman. This talisman enhanced Walter's already powerful Gift and he quickly became one of the highest ranked mages in the City of the Gods. Some said that the young lord was already qualified to be named one of history's greater mages.

She also told him that she was not actually his mother, but the High Preistess Sally was his mother. Angry that Sally had abandoned him to the care of the Lord and Lady of Pirate Swoop, he vowed to detest her all his life because she spent her life cheating her way into better positions with her Gift. He however, saw his Gift as natural and godsent and promised himself never to enhance his rank with it.

After three years of training in the City of the Gods, Walter got bored and went to Corus to train as a page and a squire. Because his skill was impeccable and perfect at battling, he finished his training early and became a knight at 16. Once a knight, he travelled all over Tortall and performed many great and illustrious deeds. Queen Amedessa found Walter so heroic that she named him her Champion after only two months of completing his Ordeal.

For a year after becoming a knight, Walter attended the Royal Naval Acadamy and became a commodore for the Royal Armada. He has engaged in many intense sea battles and was once hit with a cannon ball in the leg. He lost his leg, but because he was a godchild, overnight he regrew that leg and now only has a slight limp.

Now that his mother is dead, Walter is now officially Lord of Pirate's Swoop. He returned to Corus after a successful year at sea and is now part of making the most important decisions in Court.

Family
Mithros Father
High Priestess Sally Mother
Lord Arthur of Pirate's Swoop Adoptive Father
Lady Janet of Pirate's Swoop Adoptive Mother
Lady Rosetta of Pirate's Swoop Adoptive Sister



What did this person do wrong?
Oh, there are so many things wrong with this... I don't know where to start. This person clearly abuses time and seems to have no coherent sense of it, especially in his history. The years he spends as a knight (which is implausible, because "knights" these days don't joust or gallabrand around the country) and a commodore (also implausible) exceed his given age. Walter's Gift is also too encompassing and powerful, and it's unacceptable for him to be the child of a God because that is the sole privelage of Daine Sarrasri––who is long deceased. This person makes no mention of their adoptive sister and is way too fabulous to be real. His personality is deeply contradicting and his appearance is outright ridiculous.

[Queen Amedessa of Conté]

To clarify:

A Mary Sue/Gary Stu is a character that lacks depth. Yes, it is the above. Yes, it is also too much of the positive or too much of the negative. Yes, it is also clichés. But most of all, it is a character that lacks depth and that lacks expression.

At this site we are very willing to help bring out the better writer in you. We want you to grow and improve in your writing, and enjoy yourself while you are doing it.

Any criticism of your character or your writing is not a personal attack against you. It is constructive. If you do not give us depth, if you do not put forward your best effort, we are still going to ask for it. The suggestions and requirements we make are for your benefit and for your character's.

Your character can be anything you want them to be, but avoid the tendency to make them perfect/anti-perfect. The more realistic, the more flawed and the more believable are, the dearer to your heart (and somebody else's) they will be.